beyond the green: collective of middlebury voices

What Is It That I’m Feeling?

My blood is boiling, I can feel it crossing my body, threatening to reach my head and burn it, but I don’t have fever. This is a new feeling I … Continue reading →

in a white college, in a white country, in a white world, it’s hard to be brown. by Aashna

i’m sad most days. i cry most days. hours and hours of tears and sobs that make my face burn. i always blame myself for it. why can’t i be … Continue reading →

I want to love them, and I do, but sometimes they are hard to love.

Having close friends and family members with serious mental health struggles triggers a lot of emotions for me. I can sometimes end up on an emotional roller coaster as a … Continue reading →

I don’t talk about this not because I feel uncomfortable, but because you do. By Morgan

People ask each other how they are all the time, but I’m convinced they don’t want a straight answer. The realm of acceptable responses to this question is somewhere between … Continue reading →

I am very good at looking like “I am fine.”

[TW Suicide, Self-harm] My history with mental health started in the womb. I was raised by a mother who was deeply damaged by sexual abuse as a child. I learned … Continue reading →

For every tomorrow I’m stronger.

Trauma leaves a trail of bad habits and patterns of thought that I did not know existed until going to counseling. Not that counseling is the thing for everyone, but being able to recognize those patterns allowed me to take steps towards healing and not freak out anymore over small things.

Maybe each time I pushed away things that bothered me (the racist comments, broken friendships, the feeling of abandonment), I was shoveling dirt over my shoulder.

What Now? I just can’t figure it out… I was never a person who gave much thought to mental health. I was never a person who showed emotions all that … Continue reading →

Conversations on mental health do not happen at home. They do not occur in Spanish nor in English.

I’m anxious, often. I’m more anxious at Middlebury than I am at home. But at least I’m allowed to talk about my anxiety when on campus, somewhat. Conversations on mental … Continue reading →

Life is good. It hasn’t always been, but it’s been a journey and I’m grateful for the journey.

I have good mental health. I know I am fortunate. I have a mom, older cousin, and aunt who are seriously debilitated by their anxiety and depression. I work hard … Continue reading →

I don’t want to ignore what’s going on, and I don’t have that privilege.

As a person of color, sometimes it’s difficult casually discussing with friends microaggressions, racial occurrences on campus, or ways we feel threatened. I don’t want to ignore what’s going on, … Continue reading →

I study and study because otherwise I will fail and I have never failed before and so can never allow myself to fail.

My experiences with mental health have not been incredibly volatile. I struggle sometimes with insecurity, jealousy, ego, body issues, anxiety, sadness, and I have had feelings of absolute devastation in … Continue reading →

So I can’t sleep.

I can never sleep. I want to sleep, because it’s the only time I don’t have to worry, and cry, and worry that I’m worrying and crying too much. I … Continue reading →

I’m anxious that I’m anxious. Sad that I’m sad again. Cycles upon cycles.

Inconsolable They could not get me to stop crying. I had nothing to blame; I had no one to blame. I was just a small, defective child, Unable to find … Continue reading →

My mental illness developed as something I could lean on to numb out fear.

“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for.” -John Augustus Shedd My mental illness developed as something I could lean on to numb … Continue reading →

Depression runs in my family.

Depression runs in my family. I’ve felt the effects of depression and anxiety not academically, but socially. I have a hard time fighting off feelings of guilt for having so … Continue reading →

I thought I was fine, I thought I didn’t need help, but I was wrong.

After my break up with the boy i loved, I fell into depression. THe thing that hurt the most was that not only did I lose my partner, but I … Continue reading →

I haven’t self-harmed in over a year because of the unconditional love of my friends.

I called my long-distance best friend once in the middle of a panic attack at 2 am on a Friday night. He read a chapter of Harry Potter and the … Continue reading →

I find most articles and online resources to be extremely negative and prejudiced against the people they are (purportedly) trying to help.

I think I’m bipolar, but I haven’t ever been diagnosed. All of the things I read about it online make it out to be such a debilitating disease, and I … Continue reading →

I keep waking up again and again, Though I never fall asleep.

The Universal Game (a dream has no wind) Though it’s hot, the silence chills And slick sweat starts to slip along my back, Dragging dirt and salt over ribs, like … Continue reading →

When I’m at Middlebury, even my anxiety has anxiety.

When I’m at Middlebury, even my anxiety has anxiety. And most people don’t see it, because that’s what we do, isn’t it? Pretend like we’re okay, respond with flippant ‘I’m … Continue reading →

I often leave our sessions feeling empowered, and I love that about my meetings with her.

Though I struggled with anxiety — and probably some depression — since before my time at Midd, I had a hard time working on that while I was at Midd. … Continue reading →

Mental health isn’t part of my experience – it IS my experience.

[TW Self-harm] I don’t know if I will ever stop being in a battle against mental illness, and that terrifies me. I grew up in an abusive household with a … Continue reading →

It got to the point where she felt caged in all aspects of her life.

Last year my sister suffered of anxiety. Initially my parents didn’t believe her. They thought that she was making up an excuse not to go to school. They believed something … Continue reading →

At the beginning of freshmen year, I wrote that my worst fear was a return to my depression and anxiety that I barely survived in high school. That’s still my worst fear.

I am so grateful for all those who are willing to take me as I come, and accept that happy me is not the only me.

I have a word document on my computer, hidden in folders within folders within folders, entitled: “Selfcare.doc” I have used it thrice and frequently forget that it is there. In … Continue reading →

Please, look at these words. Hear them.

[TW Suicide] I went to a NJ public school. Small for a public school, about 160 in each grade. It was a “good” school- in the system’s sense of the … Continue reading →

But you’re my brother and I’m your sister I’ll pick you up now If you pick me up later.

I sit on the corner of your bed Red sludge scabbing over under the band aid on my leg You are trapped under six blankets A cage for your restless … Continue reading →

Bipolar definitely puts a strain on the family, but I think every day we grow stronger.

Bipolar definitely puts a strain on the family, but I think every day we grow stronger.

I got help, and now I rarely think about that dark time in my life.

My thoughts used to be dominated by the idea of taking my own life. I got help, and now I rarely think about that dark time in my life.

I saw my depression as a war and myself as a prisoner that could no longer fight.

(TW Suicide) I began to really think about death in grade six. Two of my closest friends committed suicide that year and I blamed myself for their deaths – for … Continue reading →

When do you act on a concern?

When do you act on a concern? How about when you’re concerned about a friend? A friend’s mental health? Where is the line drawn? When is someone else’s mental health … Continue reading →