a student-run publication that seeks to provide space for voices that are not being heard on our campus. we are grounded by politics that are radical, anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-classist, anti-homophobic, anti-ableist, and anti-transphobic (against all forms of oppression) and that reject the structural neo-liberal paradigm that characterizes middlebury college and its official publications
They could not get me to stop crying.
I had nothing to blame; I had no one to blame.
I was just a small, defective child,
Unable to find an adequately traumatic explanation for my fear.
Was it my birth?
Could my mental turmoil be tied to the 60 hours of labor my mother went through to have me?
Was it the screaming fight that my parents had the night they brought me home from the hospital?
Was it the one time that my mother hit me on the stairs?
Why was I so afraid of sickness, of darkness, of dreams, of being away from home?
I’m anxious that I’m anxious.
Sad that I’m sad again.
Cycles upon cycles.
I searched for the root causes; I mined my past for clues.
I tried to cry my feelings away for over a decade.
But emotions are not always straightforward,
They don’t always come with blueprints.
Relief came when I finally gave up the search.
I stayed with myself, instead of searching for what might fix me.
I no longer heed the battle cries quite so often.
I refuse to buy into every catastrophe my mind dreams up.
I hold tight
And the waves soak me to the bone,
But I do not jump ship anymore.