beyond the green: collective of middlebury voices

a student-run publication that seeks to provide space for voices that are not being heard on our campus. we are grounded by politics that are radical, anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-classist, anti-homophobic, anti-ableist, and anti-transphobic (against all forms of oppression) and that reject the structural neo-liberal paradigm that characterizes middlebury college and its official publications

in a white college, in a white country, in a white world, it’s hard to be brown. by Aashna

i’m sad most days. i cry most days. hours and hours of tears and sobs that make my face burn. i always blame myself for it. why can’t i be stronger? why can’t i just grow the fuck up? can’t i just get over it? it doesn’t help. parton says i should let myself cry. that it’s okay to cry. it never feels that way. every second i’m crying i feel like i have failed. i go back and parton tells me to not blame myself. easier said than done. what the fuck do i do now parton? sometimes i cry because i think i’m not pretty enough. in a white college, in a white country, in a white world, it’s hard to be brown. it’s really hard. everything around me tells me i’m not good enough. when i’m happy, i feel beautiful. when i’m sad, i hate myself. i cry because i’m an “illegal alien.” one wrong move, one job lost and i can get kicked out of this country. it doesn’t matter that this is the place i feel most comfortable with who i am. i’m nothing without a green card. i might have to leave every single person i love and go home to a place that feels distant and dark. a few weeks ago someone asked me my post grad plans and i got so anxious i had to leave. my whole identity is in question. stop telling me you understand. stop telling me it’s going to be okay and things will work out. i cry because i’m insecure. there, i said it. i’m really really really insecure. if my friends are hanging out without me, i don’t go join them. i wait for someone to text me and if no one does, i sit alone in my room and cry. i cry because i love with all my heart and few people reciprocate. i cry when i wake up alone. sometimes i get anxious. i think i have way too much work to do, exhaust myself and finish everything by tuesday. i make myself believe i’m going to fuck up before i even begin. i’m also very lucky. i have the kindest friends in the whole entire world who make me smile and are always by my side. i don’t have any advice. i think every person handles mental health in their own beautiful way. i haven’t figured out my way yet. but what i will say is having even one lovely person who listens helps. a little. a lot. it depends. — aashna

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This entry was posted on January 31, 2016 by in Mental Health and tagged .

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